Learn to Create Your Stress Less Plan

Are you stressed out? Take a little "YOU" time.
Coming to Niagara and Ottawa this October, enjoy a little time with Julie Christiansen, author of Stress Less in 27 Days as she guides you through the process of developing your very own tailor-made "stress less" plan. In 30 days or less, you too can be on your way to transforming consuming stress into mobilizing energy!

Registration fee is only $50 and includes a free gift! Call 1-866-754-6169 to reserve your seat.

Click on the photo at right to enlarge for all the event details.

Anger Solutions: Dealing with Toxic Colleagues

Back in the day when I had an advice page on my website, I got this question, which is really all about resolving anger within relationships. I thought I would share the response with you, as it still applies today.

Dear Julie,I have a colleague that drives me completely crazy. He's obnoxious, arrogant but is generally a nice guy. But for some reason I can't bear the thought or sight of him. It has become clear to me that sometimes you can't help who you do or don't like, but the problem is that he is in my network as well and they all think the world of him. How can I tell him in the nicest way that I don't want to see him anymore because he just makes me angry but also make my network understand my reasoning?-Desperate

Dear Desperate,It is unfortunate that sometimes we have people in our lives that truly frustrate us to the core. First think about how much toxicity this person brings to your life overall. I have always been a strong advocate of removing toxic people from one's life, but the truth is that dis-associating yourself from toxic friends or colleagues is not always easy, nor is it always the right thing to do.

On a scale of one to ten, how toxic is he? You say that he is arrogant and obnoxious, but can also be a nice guy. That tells me that he is not always toxic, but is often unpredictable. When he's good, he's great, but when he's bad, he's horrid. If in your honest opinion, he scores a ten for toxicity, then gradually withdrawing from the relationship may be your way to go. If you choose to end the relationship, you need to let him know the truth about why you are doing so. This should be between you and your colleague; his relationship within your network is a separate issue, and should be treated as such.Second, and this is the tougher option: think about your responsibility in this relationship. Have you ever confronted your colleague when he displays rude or arrogant behaviour? Is he aware of how his behaviour affects those around him? He may be totally clueless that he is toxic, and you and others close to him aren't doing him any favours by keeping silent. The long and short of it is that no matter what, you have a responsibility to tell this person the truth about how his behaviour affects you. If you say nothing, his awareness will never increase, and he will never change. You will have done both him and yourself a disservice if you could have helped him to improve his behaviour but instead took the easy way out.

Taxes on new Anger Solutions Resources

Correction: the tax issue
One slight correction - the AS Audio Book is a CD so I must charge PST on it as well as GST. Sorry! Blame the Provincial Government...This also applies for AS4K - I must also charge PST on the CDs, but only those. This will show as a minimal charge on the invoices. Again, sorry - blame the province.Ciao for now!

New Anger Solutions Resources Available Now

Hey everyone - I'm beyond excited to announce that the CD Audio version of my book, Anger Solutions is now available! This is a 4 disc set that is a FULL - not an abridged version of the book. That means you get every chapter, word for word. Even the exercises at the end of each chapter are included. The only bit that was not included is the Appendices - that would be like reading Bible geneaology for me, and even less fun to listen to for you. However, the final CD contains two bonus tracks - the full program entitled, "Anger Solutions: Releasing Residual Anger". These tracks include a brief overview of the Anger Solutions method for resolving anger, as well as a complete exercise to help you release residual anger and to promote a return to your baseline. This product is too new for the web - I have not uploaded it to my store as yet. But you can still get copies right now, for the introductory price of only $29.99 (plus GST if applicable) and shipping. Call me toll free at 1-866-754-6169 to request a copy. Be sure to leave your name, mailing information and a phone number so we can confirm your order! Thanks :).

The second resource I am equally if not doubly excited about is our Anger Solutions for Kids (AS4K) Program. This resource is for Certified Anger Solutions Facilitators, Coaches, and Trainers ONLY! If you have not already invested in AS Training - at this time you may not have access to this material. The reason being is that we wanted to keep the price affordable, while maintaining program integrity. Therefore, there is no training outside of a 1 hour tutorial and the Facilitator's Guide - our Certified Facilitators, Coaches and Trainers already have all the basic training in AS philosophy and methodology so they can hit the ground running without additional investment in time or money for more training. Anyway - now that I have openly stated the disclaimer, here is what you get with AS4K:

1. a full colour Facilitator's Guide
2. a CD Rom Master Packet with handouts, activity sheets, power point images, and take home sheets that you can print direct from your computer or photocopier. All the craft templates are also included in this file. This disc also includes a BONUS file: AS4K Outline that you can print and distribute as part of your marketing/promotion for the program
3. an audio CD with the "What Sound is It" Activity for the Listening Skills module
4. a tutorial on how to convert YouTube video clips into WMV files so you can insert them into Power Point (yes, I teach you how to do that, too). The tutorial also has a short list of age-appropriate movie clips (with exact titles) that you can search on YouTube to demonstrate assertive, passive, and aggressive behaviours.
5. Great packaging! Jellybean colours (choose from blue, pink, orange, or green)
6. This program is licensed. Since only AS Certified professionals will be using the program, the license is non-renewable. This means, that when you renew your annual AS license, there will be no additional renewal fee for the AS4K Program.

AS4K is now available and moving fast out of the gate. All of what you see listed here for only $279 plus GST and shipping.

Again, this resource is too new for the web store, so if you'd like a copy please call the 1866 number or email me: julie AT angersolution.com.

Enjoy!

Coping with Grief

Grief is most often associated with the death of a loved one or a pet through death; however, there are several different kinds of grief that may manifest themselves over the course of the human lifespan.

Loss unrelated to death:
This could be the loss of anything significant such as the loss of a relationship (broken friendship, marital separation or divorce); loss of a job, career; a traumatic injury; loss of status, or even loss of a home or other assets due to financial difficulty.

Disenfranchised grief:
Occurs when someone important to you passes, or you lose something that was important to you - and you are unable to acknowledge that loss. Example: Joe Smith passes away, leaving behind his loving wife, three children, his co-workers, and his mistress. Everyone but the mistress can openly grieve, attend the wake, go to the funeral, and talk freely about what they have lost. The mistress must grieve in private, keep her pain well hidden, and continue on with a brave face because the affair must be kept secret even though Joe is gone.

Grief associated with new awareness/pending loss:
This can occur when you hear of a loved one having contracted a life-threatening disease; when you are witness to the challenges of your ailing parents or close family members; or even when you receive notice that your company will be making massive layoffs, and that your job is among the many that will be cut. When we have "advance notice" for such events, that knowing can sometimes generate a sense of loss and kickstart the grieving process. Part of this process involves resolving the "could've, should've, would've" scenarios that pop into our heads: "I could have handled that situation differently if I had known..." "If only I had not said this, or said that..." It is a time for processing regrets, for coming to terms with our own mortality or expendability, and for restructuring our thinking so that it lines up with our new "reality".

Regardless of the type of grief one may be experiencing, it is common to experience this pain in stages. I have listed here for your reference The 10 Stages of Grief as adapted from “Grieving and Wellness” by Myrna Grandgenett, PhD. This material can be found on this website: http://www.compassionatefriends.ca/images/10_stages.htm.

The stages of grieving have been described by many people. Although there is no one “right” way to grieve, ten stages can be identified. Remember, grieving is highly individualized. No two persons will grieve in the same way or for the same amount of time. The important thing to remember is that grief is a natural, necessary result of losing something or someone important.


Stage 1: SHOCK AND DENIAL. The pain is too great to be handled. Temporarily the system “overheats” and reality is blocked out. “This can’t be happening.”

Stage 2: EMOTIONS ERUPT. The shock passes and emotions overflow their usual boundaries. They are expressed in ways ranging from wrenching sobs to gentle tears. Logic and rationality give way to an overwhelming realization of the loss.

Stage 3: ANGER. After being hurt, most people feel angry. They want to retaliate, to inflict pain on others, to strike out at the person or thing causing the pain.

Stage 4: SICKNESS. Often the body acts out the pain being felt through actual physical symptoms. Nausea, headaches, diarrhea, extreme fatigue are common.

Stage 5: PANIC. After a time of sickness and emotional upset, people begin to realize that they aren’t acting like themselves anymore. They begin to worry, wondering if they have become mentally ill. They frequently ask themselves “What is happening to me?”

Stage 6: GUILT. Personal guilt feelings build up as people wonder whether they are somehow to blame for the loss. They ask themselves if they could have done something to make it different if only . . .

Stage 7: DEPRESSION AND LONELINESS. The pain of their loss often causes people to withdraw into themselves. They begin to realize that the change is permanent. As the depression deepens, friends and family find it harder to draw the person out, to talk them into participating in regular activities again.

Stage 8: RE-ENTRY TROUBLES. Once the effort is made to get back into the normal routine, the pain of loss makes it difficult to be as trusting and open as before the loss. Suspicion must be battled constantly. Friends and families are tested again and again.

Stage 9: HOPE EMERGES. Gradually, the pain subsides and the world becomes bearable again. Hope sneaks through the cracks in the walls built up as protection against hurt. Energy is regained. The process of rebuilding seems possible.

Stage 10: ACCEPTING AND AFFIRMING REALITY. The loss is accepted without bitterness. Death gives way to new life. Purpose is regained. A new, different reality is where life is to be lived.

Learning to cope with grief begins with understanding how it can occur and the stages that we may go through to emerge from it. It is much easier to navigate the stages of grief if you have a trusted support system to help you. If you are grieving the loss of a loved one, search for a bereavement support group, or access grief counselling through your EAP benefits. Talk to a friend, family member or counsellor who can assist you with making sense of the thoughts and emotions you are experiencing. You don't have to go it alone.

New Research Shows Power of Neuro Associations

Blogged by Art Markman, Ph.D. on April 29, 2009 - 11:54am in Ulterior Motives

I like this article because it outlines some of what is happening at the neuroassociative level when you begin to feel resentment, anger, stress, or dislike for people - the process is the same. We are simply linking positive or negative emotions with certain stimuli. Think about the reach of this research: what negative associations do you have with waiting in line? Driving in traffic? Receiving criticism at work? Being nagged by your spouse? About having or not having money? This is where triggers come from... the meaning we attach to things. This is pretty interesting stuff, and definitely food for thought, especially where relationships are concerned. Enjoy!

How do you know that you like someone or something? Often, seeing a person you like gives you a good feeling inside or makes you smile. You have that reaction far before you could say exactly why you like that person. Indeed, you might find it hard to put into words exactly why you like them, but you know you do.

There is a lot of work in Psychology showing that you can come to like someone (or some thing for that matter) not because of anything they have done, but just because you tend to feel good when you are around them. There is a procedure called evaluative conditioning that shows how this can happen.

As one example, Michael Olson and Russell Fazio presented studies in the journal Psychological Science in 2001. They had people stare at a computer screen while images were presented to them very rapidly (at a rate of 1.5 seconds per image). They told people that they were studying people's ability to do surveillance in a complex environment. The images consisted both of pictures (of different Pokemon characters) as well as words. Sometimes, more than one word or picture appeared on the same screen. In fact, one Pokemon character was repeatedly paired with positive words and images (like the word excellent or a picture of a sundae).

A second character was repeatedly paired with negative words and images (like the word terrible or a picture of a cockroach). Later, people were asked to rate how much they liked the character. People consistently gave higher ratings to the character that was paired with positive words and pictures than to the character that was paired with negative words and pictures. This difference occurred, though the participants in the study were not aware of which words and images had appeared with the characters.

So, what is going on here? In a May, 2009 paper in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Christopher Jones, along with Russell Fazio and Michael Olson argue that this change in evaluation of the objects occurs because of a mis-attribution of the good feeling to the object. That is, in these kinds of experiments, the positive words and pictures make the person feel good. They are not sure why they feel good, so the good feeling is attached to the Pokemon character that is consistently associated with feeling good. Likewise, the negative words and pictures make them feel bad. They are not sure why they feel bad, so they attach the negative feeling to the Pokemon character that is consistently associated with feeling bad.

Often, of course, this strategy is a pretty good one. If there is a person in the world, and you usually feel good around that person, chances are that person is making you feel good. If there is a person and you usually feel bad around them, chances are that person is making you feel bad. However, this strategy can lead to the wrong outcome too. You may end up liking people and things you encounter in positive situations more than perhaps you should. Similarly, you may end up disliking people and things you encounter in negative situations more than you should.

Stress Less Club - A new way to combat daily stress

Would you like to Stress Less? Sign up for the Stress Less Club! A single stress busting strategy delivered F*REE to your inbox every day for 30 days - just enough to get you into the habit of transforming your consuming stress into mobilizing energy. Sign up at www.angersolution.com/stressless.php.