Relationship Matters

Anger Solutions Boot Camp - Basic Training

2011-08-25T10:39:00.000-07:00

Join me at Anger Solutions Boot Camp! On september 27, 2011 from 8:30am to 5:00pm at white Oaks Conference Resort and Spa in Niagara-on-the-Lake,ON. In participating in this basic training program you will learn methods to ensure positive and successful results. Please fill out the registration from above and send it with your cheque/money order or complete credit card information to:

Leverage U
73 Royal Manor Drive
St. Catharines, ON.
L2M 4L2

or fax to:

1-866-568-4694

Hope to see you there!!

The Psychology of Procrastination - Anger Solutions at Work

2011-01-28T10:38:00.000-08:00

Anger Solutions™ at Work Column

Nobody likes to be called a slacker, but the truth is that we very often will put off until tomorrow what could have been done today. Why do we procrastinate? What can we do differently to make ourselves more proactive?

The fact is that human beings tend to put off those things to which we attach a negative emotion. For example, students will putt off doing their math or science homework because it is perceived as “too hard”. The emotion of stress may be attached to doing things that are hard; therefore, because students want to avoid stress, they will put off the homework for another time. Perhaps homeowners will avoid cutting the lawn because it “takes too much time” – in other words, they will become tired. Salespeople avoid doing cold calls because they are afraid of the rejections. Maybe a task is too monotonous (boring), or too challenging (fear of failure)… whatever the case, by identifying the emotion that we associate with any task, it becomes easier to overcome it and move on to completing the task at hand.

There is a flip side to the avoidance coin though, and it is this: human beings will also do much more to avoid pain, than we will to gain pleasure. Hence the goal in overcoming procrastination is more about making procrastination more painful than the initial painful emotion we might feel while completing a boring, hard, or time consuming task. Take for example the concept of cold calling: it is true that you may hear several rejections, but you may get some sales appointments. What is the pain associated with NOT making the calls? A guarantee of NO sales appointments whatsoever! No sales equals no commissions. No commissions means no money to finance your life.

Let’s look at homework: it is true that in putting off the homework, a student will avoid stress; however, what pain is associated with NOT doing the homework? Possible answers might include, getting an “incomplete” score on the homework, having to stay in detention to get it finished, a bad mark on a report card, a phone call to parents, low scores that might affect eligibility for college or university… and the list goes on. When we focus on the negative consequences of NOT completing a necessary chore, the potential pain will actually motivate us to get the job done.

While it sounds a little crazy or complicated, the psychology of procrastination is quite simple. So although it seems that procrastination can’t hurt that much in the short run, over time, procrastination will put you always in the position of catch-up, forever feeling as though you could have done more, and never being able to celebrate the accomplishment of completion. Procrastination will eventually damage your self esteem, as you will take on the persona of one who starts but never finishes.

Look around you at the things you procrastinate doing. With a few shifts in your perception, you will soon be motivated to not only begin, but follow through to the finish. Once you get one task completed, keep that as motivation to stay on track. Before you know it, you will have overcome the challenge of procrastination!

Julie Christiansen is an author, consultant, and speaker who specializes in creating positive, radical, lasting change through team development, communication, anger resolution and stress management. This article is excerpted from her program “Time Management for Real People”. Visit her website www.angersolution.com .

Domestic Disputes - Anger Management or Anger Solutions?

2009-12-03T14:13:00.000-08:00

Do you remember this story? I'll bet you don't! Everybody is caught up with Tiger Woods and his recent airing of dirty laundry - looks like he'll have to get a second line to hang it all on... But wait... this is nothing new! Check out this story from spring of '08.

Wild Wedding Celebration Winds Up Sending Couple to Jail
Tue Apr 29, 8:36 AM
This Just In from the Associated Press:PITTSBURGH -

A couple of newlyweds spent the night in jail in separate cells - she in her wedding gown - after a brawl at a local hotel, police say.

Dentist David Wielechowski, 32, of Shaler, Pa., and Christa Vattimo, 25, actually got married a month earlier in the Bahamas. But they decided to repeat their vows last Saturday at a reception for 150 guests. Police said they were checking into their room when an argument began. Wielechowski reportedly knocked Vattimo to the floor with a karate kick. But when two guests from another wedding party came to her aid, Vattimo turned on them.

The melee moved from the seventh floor to an elevator and then to the lobby, where the couple threw metal planters at two guests from the other party, causing minor injuries, police alleged.Police arrived to find the dentist lying on the lobby floor and his bride screaming, they said.

"It was pretty wild," police Sgt. Dave Syska said.Authorities charged them both with simple assault, criminal mischief and disorderly conduct. The bride faces an additional count of public intoxication when they have their preliminary hearing May 7.

A district judge considered issuing a restraining order against Wielechowski, but Vattimo declined the measure.

The couple were let out of jail Sunday morning. Vattimo left with her father, still dressed in her white gown. Wielechowski left alone, sporting a swollen eye, tuxedo pants, a bloody T-shirt and one shoe.
**************************************************************************

So is this how we roll in the 21st Century? With everything we know about spousal abuse and domestic violence, I am amazed that people continue to make the same age-old mistakes, and poor choices. There's a legacy you want to leave for your grandchildren: "At our wedding reception, your grand-daddy drop kicked me to the floor... it was good times..." Seriously, do you think this couple has a chance? It is interesting that when others came to the aid of the bride, she turned on them - in effect tossing away her opportunity to get out while the getting was good. I'm thinking that both of these individuals need some serious Anger Solutions coaching, and some belief shifts about what makes a relationship healthy.

Are You in a Debt Crisis? I was too...

2009-11-30T06:41:00.000-08:00

For Email Marketing you can trust

It wasn't that long ago that my husband and I were sinking deep in debt. We owed $248,000. We were homeless. He was jobless. We had lost our house, our car, our social status, and our sense of who we were as a couple. We call those days the "Dark Ages". It was 12 years ago that our life fell apart - and we found ourselves starting over with absolutely nothing but faith, hope, and love.

Imagine yourself, a young couple still in your 20's, with three young kids to take care of, and nowhere to call your own. Imagine having no money for first and last month's rent, and no one to buy the house you can't afford to keep. Imagine wondering if you will have to sleep in the car - wait a minute... you sold that to pay down your debt. Imagine... looking around your community and wondering where would be a safe place for you and your family to stay.

Imagine applying for government assistance only to have them tell you they can't help - your mortgage payments are too high - your house is worth too much. See yourself trying to explain that the house value is dropping by the day, and you can't attract any buyers. Hear the welfare worker apologize and say she wishes she could help - here's a few hundred dollars for groceries and diapers. After that, you're on your own. Imagine not knowing where to go for help. And imagine yourself trying to keep up the pretense of "everything being okay" to the outside world, while your life is shattering into pieces around you.

This was our story. Perhaps it is your story too. Debt has a way of pushing you down, oppressing you until you feel you can't breathe. I have written an E-Book that shares our journey, and shows you how in less than 6 years, we were able to become entirely debt free so we could re-build our life.

I wrote the E-Book because I remember how lost we were. And how proud we were. We didn't want people to know what we were going through or how bad it was. We were embarrassed that we were losing everything we had worked so hard for. We were afraid of what it would mean if people found out.That fear prevented us from reaching out, asking for help, doing research, and a host of other things that could have saved us from financial ruin. I hope that by sharing our story and showing you the steps we took to save ourselves, that you will learn from our mistakes, follow the advice we share, and avoid the heartache that we experienced.

If you're in the thick of it right now, put your name on the wait list for the E-Book using the form on this page. If you need the E-Book, don't worry, it isn't going to cost you an investment of $179 like some other "get rich quick" folks will charge you. Not $99, or even $59. You will be able to get this E-Book for less than $10.

Why am I doing this? Why am I offering it for such a small investment? Because I know what it is like to have to choose between a pair of stockings and a bag of milk for the kids. I know what it is like to have to pray that money will come from somewhere, anywhere - to help you from situation to situation. I know that if you REALLY need this E-Book, it would be wrong to ask you to sacrifice $179, $99, or even $59 when you could use that for next week's groceries.

So why am I charging you anything at all? Why not just give it to you for free? Because I also know that when you pay for something, it demonstrates your need, as well as your willingness to follow through. It means you are taking ownership for your problem, AND you are showing your commitment to finding a solution. So don't worry - it is affordable, and it is filled with sound advice from one who was once buried in the trenches, and fought her way out.

Contact me today. Let me know you want a copy and I'll be sure you are at the head of the pack when the E-Book is released in about 10 days time.Your partner in creating lasting solutions,

Julie Christiansen

For Email Marketing you can trust

Anger Solutions: Dealing with Toxic Colleagues

2009-09-02T19:16:00.000-07:00

Back in the day when I had an advice page on my website, I got this question, which is really all about resolving anger within relationships. I thought I would share the response with you, as it still applies today.

Dear Julie,I have a colleague that drives me completely crazy. He's obnoxious, arrogant but is generally a nice guy. But for some reason I can't bear the thought or sight of him. It has become clear to me that sometimes you can't help who you do or don't like, but the problem is that he is in my network as well and they all think the world of him. How can I tell him in the nicest way that I don't want to see him anymore because he just makes me angry but also make my network understand my reasoning?-Desperate

Dear Desperate,It is unfortunate that sometimes we have people in our lives that truly frustrate us to the core. First think about how much toxicity this person brings to your life overall. I have always been a strong advocate of removing toxic people from one's life, but the truth is that dis-associating yourself from toxic friends or colleagues is not always easy, nor is it always the right thing to do.

On a scale of one to ten, how toxic is he? You say that he is arrogant and obnoxious, but can also be a nice guy. That tells me that he is not always toxic, but is often unpredictable. When he's good, he's great, but when he's bad, he's horrid. If in your honest opinion, he scores a ten for toxicity, then gradually withdrawing from the relationship may be your way to go. If you choose to end the relationship, you need to let him know the truth about why you are doing so. This should be between you and your colleague; his relationship within your network is a separate issue, and should be treated as such.Second, and this is the tougher option: think about your responsibility in this relationship. Have you ever confronted your colleague when he displays rude or arrogant behaviour? Is he aware of how his behaviour affects those around him? He may be totally clueless that he is toxic, and you and others close to him aren't doing him any favours by keeping silent. The long and short of it is that no matter what, you have a responsibility to tell this person the truth about how his behaviour affects you. If you say nothing, his awareness will never increase, and he will never change. You will have done both him and yourself a disservice if you could have helped him to improve his behaviour but instead took the easy way out.

Taxes on new Anger Solutions Resources

2009-09-01T20:37:00.000-07:00

Correction: the tax issue
One slight correction - the AS Audio Book is a CD so I must charge PST on it as well as GST. Sorry! Blame the Provincial Government...This also applies for AS4K - I must also charge PST on the CDs, but only those. This will show as a minimal charge on the invoices. Again, sorry - blame the province.Ciao for now!

New Anger Solutions Resources Available Now

2009-09-01T19:37:00.001-07:00

Hey everyone - I'm beyond excited to announce that the CD Audio version of my book, Anger Solutions is now available! This is a 4 disc set that is a FULL - not an abridged version of the book. That means you get every chapter, word for word. Even the exercises at the end of each chapter are included. The only bit that was not included is the Appendices - that would be like reading Bible geneaology for me, and even less fun to listen to for you. However, the final CD contains two bonus tracks - the full program entitled, "Anger Solutions: Releasing Residual Anger". These tracks include a brief overview of the Anger Solutions method for resolving anger, as well as a complete exercise to help you release residual anger and to promote a return to your baseline. This product is too new for the web - I have not uploaded it to my store as yet. But you can still get copies right now, for the introductory price of only $29.99 (plus GST if applicable) and shipping. Call me toll free at 1-866-754-6169 to request a copy. Be sure to leave your name, mailing information and a phone number so we can confirm your order! Thanks :).

The second resource I am equally if not doubly excited about is our Anger Solutions for Kids (AS4K) Program. This resource is for Certified Anger Solutions Facilitators, Coaches, and Trainers ONLY! If you have not already invested in AS Training - at this time you may not have access to this material. The reason being is that we wanted to keep the price affordable, while maintaining program integrity. Therefore, there is no training outside of a 1 hour tutorial and the Facilitator's Guide - our Certified Facilitators, Coaches and Trainers already have all the basic training in AS philosophy and methodology so they can hit the ground running without additional investment in time or money for more training. Anyway - now that I have openly stated the disclaimer, here is what you get with AS4K:

a full colour Facilitator's Guide
a CD Rom Master Packet with handouts, activity sheets, power point images, and take home sheets that you can print direct from your computer or photocopier. All the craft templates are also included in this file. This disc also includes a BONUS file: AS4K Outline that you can print and distribute as part of your marketing/promotion for the program
an audio CD with the "What Sound is It" Activity for the Listening Skills module
a tutorial on how to convert YouTube video clips into WMV files so you can insert them into Power Point (yes, I teach you how to do that, too). The tutorial also has a short list of age-appropriate movie clips (with exact titles) that you can search on YouTube to demonstrate assertive, passive, and aggressive behaviours.
Great packaging! Jellybean colours (choose from blue, pink, orange, or green)
This program is licensed. Since only AS Certified professionals will be using the program, the license is non-renewable. This means, that when you renew your annual AS license, there will be no additional renewal fee for the AS4K Program.

AS4K is now available and moving fast out of the gate. All of what you see listed here for only $279 plus GST and shipping.

Again, this resource is too new for the web store, so if you'd like a copy please call the 1866 number or email me: julie AT angersolution.com.

Enjoy!

Coping with Grief

2009-08-24T07:58:00.000-07:00

Grief is most often associated with the death of a loved one or a pet through death; however, there are several different kinds of grief that may manifest themselves over the course of the human lifespan.

Loss unrelated to death:
This could be the loss of anything significant such as the loss of a relationship (broken friendship, marital separation or divorce); loss of a job, career; a traumatic injury; loss of status, or even loss of a home or other assets due to financial difficulty.

Disenfranchised grief:
Occurs when someone important to you passes, or you lose something that was important to you - and you are unable to acknowledge that loss. Example: Joe Smith passes away, leaving behind his loving wife, three children, his co-workers, and his mistress. Everyone but the mistress can openly grieve, attend the wake, go to the funeral, and talk freely about what they have lost. The mistress must grieve in private, keep her pain well hidden, and continue on with a brave face because the affair must be kept secret even though Joe is gone.

Grief associated with new awareness/pending loss:
This can occur when you hear of a loved one having contracted a life-threatening disease; when you are witness to the challenges of your ailing parents or close family members; or even when you receive notice that your company will be making massive layoffs, and that your job is among the many that will be cut. When we have "advance notice" for such events, that knowing can sometimes generate a sense of loss and kickstart the grieving process. Part of this process involves resolving the "could've, should've, would've" scenarios that pop into our heads: "I could have handled that situation differently if I had known..." "If only I had not said this, or said that..." It is a time for processing regrets, for coming to terms with our own mortality or expendability, and for restructuring our thinking so that it lines up with our new "reality".

Regardless of the type of grief one may be experiencing, it is common to experience this pain in stages. I have listed here for your reference The 10 Stages of Grief as adapted from “Grieving and Wellness” by Myrna Grandgenett, PhD. This material can be found on this website: http://www.compassionatefriends.ca/images/10_stages.htm.

The stages of grieving have been described by many people. Although there is no one “right” way to grieve, ten stages can be identified. Remember, grieving is highly individualized. No two persons will grieve in the same way or for the same amount of time. The important thing to remember is that grief is a natural, necessary result of losing something or someone important.

Stage 1: SHOCK AND DENIAL. The pain is too great to be handled. Temporarily the system “overheats” and reality is blocked out. “This can’t be happening.”

Stage 2: EMOTIONS ERUPT. The shock passes and emotions overflow their usual boundaries. They are expressed in ways ranging from wrenching sobs to gentle tears. Logic and rationality give way to an overwhelming realization of the loss.

Stage 3: ANGER. After being hurt, most people feel angry. They want to retaliate, to inflict pain on others, to strike out at the person or thing causing the pain.

Stage 4: SICKNESS. Often the body acts out the pain being felt through actual physical symptoms. Nausea, headaches, diarrhea, extreme fatigue are common.

Stage 5: PANIC. After a time of sickness and emotional upset, people begin to realize that they aren’t acting like themselves anymore. They begin to worry, wondering if they have become mentally ill. They frequently ask themselves “What is happening to me?”

Stage 6: GUILT. Personal guilt feelings build up as people wonder whether they are somehow to blame for the loss. They ask themselves if they could have done something to make it different if only . . .

Stage 7: DEPRESSION AND LONELINESS. The pain of their loss often causes people to withdraw into themselves. They begin to realize that the change is permanent. As the depression deepens, friends and family find it harder to draw the person out, to talk them into participating in regular activities again.

Stage 8: RE-ENTRY TROUBLES. Once the effort is made to get back into the normal routine, the pain of loss makes it difficult to be as trusting and open as before the loss. Suspicion must be battled constantly. Friends and families are tested again and again.

Stage 9: HOPE EMERGES. Gradually, the pain subsides and the world becomes bearable again. Hope sneaks through the cracks in the walls built up as protection against hurt. Energy is regained. The process of rebuilding seems possible.

Stage 10: ACCEPTING AND AFFIRMING REALITY. The loss is accepted without bitterness. Death gives way to new life. Purpose is regained. A new, different reality is where life is to be lived.

Learning to cope with grief begins with understanding how it can occur and the stages that we may go through to emerge from it. It is much easier to navigate the stages of grief if you have a trusted support system to help you. If you are grieving the loss of a loved one, search for a bereavement support group, or access grief counselling through your EAP benefits. Talk to a friend, family member or counsellor who can assist you with making sense of the thoughts and emotions you are experiencing. You don't have to go it alone.

New Research Shows Power of Neuro Associations

2009-05-13T19:05:00.000-07:00

Blogged by Art Markman, Ph.D. on April 29, 2009 - 11:54am in Ulterior Motives

I like this article because it outlines some of what is happening at the neuroassociative level when you begin to feel resentment, anger, stress, or dislike for people - the process is the same. We are simply linking positive or negative emotions with certain stimuli. Think about the reach of this research: what negative associations do you have with waiting in line? Driving in traffic? Receiving criticism at work? Being nagged by your spouse? About having or not having money? This is where triggers come from... the meaning we attach to things. This is pretty interesting stuff, and definitely food for thought, especially where relationships are concerned. Enjoy!

How do you know that you like someone or something? Often, seeing a person you like gives you a good feeling inside or makes you smile. You have that reaction far before you could say exactly why you like that person. Indeed, you might find it hard to put into words exactly why you like them, but you know you do.

There is a lot of work in Psychology showing that you can come to like someone (or some thing for that matter) not because of anything they have done, but just because you tend to feel good when you are around them. There is a procedure called evaluative conditioning that shows how this can happen.

As one example, Michael Olson and Russell Fazio presented studies in the journal Psychological Science in 2001. They had people stare at a computer screen while images were presented to them very rapidly (at a rate of 1.5 seconds per image). They told people that they were studying people's ability to do surveillance in a complex environment. The images consisted both of pictures (of different Pokemon characters) as well as words. Sometimes, more than one word or picture appeared on the same screen. In fact, one Pokemon character was repeatedly paired with positive words and images (like the word excellent or a picture of a sundae).

A second character was repeatedly paired with negative words and images (like the word terrible or a picture of a cockroach). Later, people were asked to rate how much they liked the character. People consistently gave higher ratings to the character that was paired with positive words and pictures than to the character that was paired with negative words and pictures. This difference occurred, though the participants in the study were not aware of which words and images had appeared with the characters.

So, what is going on here? In a May, 2009 paper in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Christopher Jones, along with Russell Fazio and Michael Olson argue that this change in evaluation of the objects occurs because of a mis-attribution of the good feeling to the object. That is, in these kinds of experiments, the positive words and pictures make the person feel good. They are not sure why they feel good, so the good feeling is attached to the Pokemon character that is consistently associated with feeling good. Likewise, the negative words and pictures make them feel bad. They are not sure why they feel bad, so they attach the negative feeling to the Pokemon character that is consistently associated with feeling bad.

Often, of course, this strategy is a pretty good one. If there is a person in the world, and you usually feel good around that person, chances are that person is making you feel good. If there is a person and you usually feel bad around them, chances are that person is making you feel bad. However, this strategy can lead to the wrong outcome too. You may end up liking people and things you encounter in positive situations more than perhaps you should. Similarly, you may end up disliking people and things you encounter in negative situations more than you should.

Four Ways that Deep Breathing can lower your risk for disease

2009-03-04T18:56:00.000-08:00

The website, http://www.healthoxygen.com/ lists several curative effects of oxygen, which include an increase in energy levels, detoxifying the body, aiding digestion, and enabling muscle recovery. However, you cannot achieve the curative effects of oxygen if you don’t breathe deeply enough to effectively oxygenate your body! Here are four key ways that deep breathing can actually lower your risk for disease.

1. You will oxygenate your body. Oxygen boosts the immune system and has been used for years in hospital settings as a method to assist with patient recovery. Think about it: oxygen is essential for sustaining human life! When the body is deprived of oxygen (for example – because of poor posture, slouching, or shallow breathing) at the outset it results in headaches, muscle fatigue, blurred vision and distorted focus. Imbalances in oxygen levels have been linked to migraines as well as certain types of cancers. Deep, diaphragmatic breaths can reduce your risk for these types of ailments.

2. Breathing deeply will slow down your heart rate. When the body is stressed it goes into fight or flight mode. When this happens the heart beats faster, blood thickens (causing the heart to pump harder), and blood pressure rises. Prolong these effects over time and you will be at risk for hypertension and cardiovascular disease (CVD). When you are feeling stressed or tense, take a moment to slow your breathing, with a concentration on filling your lungs to capacity, circulating the oxygen through your system, and slowly releasing the air from your lungs. You will find after a few deep breaths that your heart rate will begin to slow, and you can bring your body functions back to baseline. Your heart gets enough wear and tear throughout the course of daily living – give it a break by regulating your breathing.

3. Deep breathing expels toxins from the body. The process of breathing serves an important function – aside from just keeping you alive. As you inhale, you are taking in oxygen – this oxygen travels through the blood stream, circulating throughout the body. Cells travel along this route to gather up toxins and “bad air” (aka carbon dioxide) which is then expelled each time we exhale. Shallow breathing does not allow for adequate collection of these toxins. Sure, we are keeping ourselves alive and we are circulating our blood and oxygen; however, when you take a deep cleansing breath, you will feel and see the difference immediately.

4. You will re-energize your brain. A properly hydrated and oxygenated brain is a high functioning brain. Studies state that we humans only use about 2% of our brain power. Imagine how a lack of oxygen and water contributes to the lack of functionality of that 2%! Deep breathing circulates oxygen back to the brain, which will result in better focus, clearer thinking, less headaches, and a more peaceful rest.

If you'd like to learn more about the Anger Solutions philosophy for stress reduction, visit my website: www.angersolution.com.

Secret Techniques For Self-Improvement Devotees

2009-01-21T19:29:00.000-08:00

Here is an opportunity that doesn't come up everyday...
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I want to introduce my friend and colleague, Alan B. Densky, CH, who is an internationally known expert. Alan has over 30 years of experience at creating rapid personal change through hypnotherapy and Neuro-Linguistic Programming. Alan will show you those secret techniques in his CDs and DVDs. I am honored to invite you to participate in Alan's exciting promotion!
And as his way of saying, "Thank you for your participation," you will receive a Package of Bonuses of astonishing value worth over $7,000.00! Read on . . .

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What would it take for you to bring that imagined picture into reality? Imagine how great you will feel when you can:
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Alan offers the most powerful hypnotic technologies available for rapid change, including the only video hypnosis technology to ever be awarded a U.S. Patent. It's all there for you on his web site. See for yourself - click through right now.
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In return for participating, as a bonus gift to you, Alan has brought together an extraordinary package of dynamic and transformative content worth over $7,000.00 that will act as the key to transforming your life.

This content came from an "A-List" of success experts, best-selling authors, pioneers, and leaders in several fields who are generously contributing their bonus gifts to support Alan in achieving his goal to create a happier world.

If you are receiving this email, then you are most likely someone who likes to make things happen. During his promotion, when you purchase any of Alan's programs, you will have immediate access to the "Bonus Bundle of Gifts" Valued at over $7,000.00. You'll want to take advantage of this special offer to download the free gifts!

Click the following link to visit Alan's Neuro-VISION Hypnotherapy web site.
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Participation in this offer will bring you a return beyond belief, but the time is limited so act now!
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Lessons from the Masters Part Four - Accountability is the Key

2008-11-07T17:01:00.000-08:00

These last two weeks there has been so much self-work for me to do that I really have not had time to blog about my ongoing coaching process with Lisa Nichols. I have to say that this continued driving forward, with both her and now Steve as my accountability partners, has intensified the work. I realize with new clarity how easy it is to put things off, even when we know they are good for us. If it were not for the fact that someone is keeping me accountable for getting my self-work done and handed in on time, I honestly don't know if I would do it. I truthfully have found myself wishing I didn't have to do some of this stuff - it is difficult to peel back the layers of excuses, stories, "rational lies", and externally imposed/internally accepted negative self doubt, and to leave naked and exposed the real me.

What I have found though, is that through each painful process, there is incredible joy and liberty on the other side. While I have always tried to be true to my authentic self - the key word has been that I was TRYING. The Jedi Master Yoda said - "There is no try - only do." I get that now. A few posts ago I mentioned that I had decided to stop forcing things - to stop TRYING so HARD, and to just operate from the mindset of EASE. I have re-written several of my affirmations to begin with these words, "I am easily and effortlessly..." And guess what? Life is easier! I still have challenges, and I still have my moments of doubt but what is different is this: when I have moments of doubt and fear, I just recognize it for what it is. I don't TRY to analyze the thoughts - I call them what they are, and then move on. No more "analysis paralysis" - no more "mental snowballs" - and it is easier to work through them.

Do I still obsess from time to time? You betcha. I don't for a minute think that things are going to change completely overnight - but I do know that with the support of my coach and my accountability buddy, I will be more likely to push through the remnants of my limiting beliefs and old patterns so that I can be the best me that I can be - the me that I was created to be.

Finding Happiness - Just had to share this

2008-10-27T11:37:00.000-07:00

I just completed another portion of my self-work that has been assigned to me by Lisa Nichols. The exercise in its entirety was much bigger, but part of the process is targeting two limiting beliefs or challenges that I believe are obstacles to me reaching my personal mountaintop. I felt teary-eyed and emotional as I wrote down what these obstacles are, and the complexities of trying to break them down. But I remembered some key things that Lisa said or asked, like:

"Who is waiting to be touched and blessed by you?"

"Nobody can do you - like you can."

"What could be done through you if you say YES more?"

"Living your light means making the choice between living and playing safe or living your potential."

and, "Never make people's opinions of you a reality."

Great stuff!

So - just shortly after completing my self-work, I came across this quote in my files, and thought it was too appropriate and too beautiful not to share. Thanks to Anne Vallentin (one of my former students) for sending this to me.

Finding Happiness

Happiness is accepting and choosing life, not just submitting grudgingly to it. It comes when we choose to be who we are, to be ourselves, at this present moment of our lives; we choose life as it is, with all its joys, pain, and conflicts.

Happiness is living and seeking the truth, together with others in community, and assuming responsibility for our lives and the lives of others. It is accepting the fact that we are not infinite, but can enter into a personal relationship with the Infinite, discovering the universal truth and justice that transcends all cultures: each person is unique and sacred.

We are not just seeking to be what others want us to be or to conform to the expectations of family, friends, or local ways of being. We have chosen to be who we are, with all that is beautiful and broken in us. We do not slip away from life and live in a world of illusions, dreams, or nightmares. We become present to reality and to life so that we are free to live according to our personal conscience, our sacred sanctuary, where love resides within us and we see others as they are in the depth of their being.

We are not letting the light of life within us be crushed, and we are not crushing it in others. On the contrary, all we want is for the light of others to shine.

Jean Vanier, Finding Peace, pp. 54-55

Learning from the Masters - Part 3 Coaching Distinctions

2008-10-23T09:50:00.001-07:00

This week I have been watching closely as I continue to make little shifts in my thinking and behaviour - and the results that follow. Last week I taught my students how to create a vision board as part of an extensive goal setting exercise. My vision board is not yet complete, because I want to be sure I am clearly visualizing my goals before I place them on the board. However, I put some key goals on the board around selling a certain number of books per year, and as a means to that end, to gain more exposure via radio, television, and print interviews. That was Thursday. On Friday, I received a call from CTS Television's "On the Line" saying that their Monday guest had to bow out due to an emergency, and could I be their expert guest for Monday's live show. Of course, I said yes. I sent out a quick email to my contact list to let them know that I would be on the show. On my arrival home from taping the live show in Burlington, I opened my email to see a note from CHCH TV in Hamilton asking if I would like to do a guest spot on one of their programs. The producer saw the email I sent out to my e-list, and thought that the topic of stress management would be a good fit for their show! How cool is that? The power of intention coupled with focused action created another opportunity for me to fulfill that goal of booking more interviews to promote my books.

Another cool thing that happened this week, also happened while I was taping "On the Line". I had an epiphany right in the middle of a conversation with a caller and it was this: All stress is FEAR-based. Think about it - we become stressed when we feel afraid that we lack the resources we need to meet the demands of a circumstance or event. Example: If I get stressed over an interview, it is because I am afraid I will sound stupid, or make a mistake, or say something that doesn't make any sense. I am afraid the host won't like me and won't ask me back on the show. If you get stressed over a project at work, it is because you are afraid you won't get it done on time, the boss won't like it, your peers or colleagues won't carry their end and you'll end up doing all the work, and so on. Knowing that our stress is based in fear gives us tremendous freedom because by tackling and subduing the fear, we in effect, subdue our stress. You can read more about Facing Your Fears in one of this blog's back entries, or in my book, Stress Less in 27 Days.

Last distinction I have made since beginning coaching with Lisa Nichols: In our first session she talked about "exposing the lies" - those things we have been told, or we have told ourselves that hold us back, keep us down, and prevent us from being our authentic selves. I was taken back to a time when I was much younger and I had struggled with a LIE put on me by a woman who had offered me a job, and I turned her down for a better opportunity. She told me I was irresponsible, and that I would never make anything of myself because I couldn't stick to a decision. What she said hurt me for a long time, and worse - it haunted me. Then, somewhere around 1995, began to dig deep through the layers of negative self talk, and I realized that I had been believing this lie she had implanted in me. So I wrote a poem about it, and in doing so - released the weight of the lie that had been on me for close to 10 years. Here it is... maybe it will help you to let go of a weight that ties you down.

For the Manager of Rockland Textiles, June 1986
This is for you who told me
I was making a mistake.
You were angry
But not at me.
I did not understand it then
But I do now
Someone must have failed you
Disappointed you miserably
And I, in the wrong place
At the wrong time
Stood silently, tearfully
The lamb before the slaughter
As you whipped me with your words,
Stripped me with your gaze,
Destroyed me with your vote of non-confidence.

Now for the record
Let it be known that you,
You made the mistake,
Not I.
The choice I made was right
For me and for you.
We cannot see
What lies ahead -- we must but
Trust our instincts as they
Lead us toward our destiny.
The mistake was yours
For resisting fate,
For shaking your fist at the
Heavens in defiance
For robbing another human being
Of her self-esteem
For contracting her self-respect.

I am beyond that now.
I understand.
You were angry but not at me.
Someone failed you
Disappointed you miserably
And I, I was there for you
In the right place
At the right time
We cannot see what lies ahead
We must but trust our instincts
(I have followed mine)
As they lead us toward
Our destiny.
(c) 1996, Julie Christiansen

Learning from the Masters - Part Two

2008-10-16T12:31:00.000-07:00

Ok - so I had my second session in the Rise and Shine Coaching program on Tuesday evening. It had been a long day - I was tired and exhausted when we started up, but soon I was focused only on the task at hand.

One of the things Lisa had suggested we do if we want to live in our light, was to understand and answer the question WHY? for myself. I wrote this down: "I must begin to understand and answer for myself the question WHY. It is a disempowering question that sets me up for frustration. I must move into a place of empowerment so I can answer the question. If I dig deep enough, I will find the answer for every WHY."

I realized as I wrote this down, that I have spent much of this year doing exactly that. Since my mother passed away in February of 2007, I have come to know so much of myself, my history, and the reasons for my insecurities, fears, and useless baggage. I have also discovered parts of myself that I did not know existed - some of them I love and accept; other parts of me, I have struggled to accept as my own. This year has truly been one of self-discovery, of brute honesty, and of personal acceptance.

Those of you who know me know that I have always said that everything happens for a reason. If you read my other blog, http://angersolution.blogspot.com, you will see this theme recurring again and again over the early 2007 entries. I do believe that all of the events that have happened since say, December of last year up until now have been divinely orchestrated so that I could finally shed the outer skin of my "fabricated" self, and get back to the true authentic self that has been crying out for recognition - gasping for air.

You who know me well, also will recognize this statement: "A leader cannot take anyone further than s/he is willing to go." It excites and thrills me to be taking this road so that I can help to show others the way. Transparency is not always easy. Honesty (especially when people think you to be something "more" than you really are) can be difficult. But I believe that every part of my experience has purpose - and that is so that I can help others overcome their challenges and be the best that they can be.

One of the areas we focused on in this last call was: Things I Deserve. I'm not going to list them here, but I have a story to share. Last week, I got an email from a former supervisor saying that a recent article that had featured me in the local newspaper had made my former employer very upset. I had spoken to the reporter about the circumstances that led up to me leaving that job to pursue my dreams; however, I never named the employer, nor did I specify the type of work I was doing. I didn't even say what city I was working in, nor did I give away any dates. I consciously tried hard to protect the identity of that employer, because I never like to burn bridges. The knowledge that my former bosses were upset by the article bothered me for a few days, but then...

I realized - the fact that they were able to recognize themselves in the picture I painted, as vague as it was - said something... that they knew I was unhappy in my job - they knew I was getting sick, but still didn't do anything to help me. Now they are unhappy that I had the nerve and the courage to speak the truth out loud!

I even considered writing them a note to clarify my intentions regarding the interview, and also to correct some harsh statements made by the reporter that did not accurately reflect my sentiments; but then I thought - am I losing anything by these people feeling slighted? Not really. My intentions were pure - I had no alterior motive. We (the employer and I) had no ongoing relationship aside from my occasional efforts to stay in touch with my former co-workers. There is no reason to apologize or feel guilty, and I feel free of any obligation to my former employer. Perhaps a couple of years ago, I would have gone out of my way to make them feel better - but now I realize that this is not about them at all... I did what was necessary... I spoke my truth. And in doing so, I liberated a part of me that had always been kept silent.

So this is what I have learned in more clarity this week: I Deserve to Speak My Truth. So do you. Remember this: The truth will make you free.

20 Years - Where'd They Go?

2008-10-16T12:15:00.000-07:00

(photo: Steve and I standing at the edge of the North Atlantic ocean, in Leading Tickles, Newfoundland, August 2007)

Allow me to be a little gushy and sentimental for a moment... 20 years ago on October 15th, my husband Steve and I tied the knot in our home church in Ottawa, Ontario. Approximately 125 guests witnessed the event - it was caught on film and video... a special day - but really it was JUST a day.

It is all the days that have followed that one that have made our marriage special. Like the day we moved into our first home - the day I told him I was pregnant with our first child - the day she was born - the day I told him I didn't have one baby inside me, but two - the days we took our kids to school for the very first time.

Then there are the days when we felt completely hopeless, the days when all we had was each other - the days when we cried in each other's arms - the days when we realized that we were the masters of our destinies - the days we spent planning, dreaming, and ACTING on those dreams... And then there were the days when he was so sick he couldn't get out of bed - the days I spent recovering from surgery - the days that we both got the pukes together...

There were days when I was sure he didn't love me at all, and I'm sure he had some of those days when he wondered what he was doing with me too!

A good marriage is made up of countless days like this. A great marriage is one in which at the end of each day, regardless of what you have faced, you wind up together.

There are days when if it weren't for my kids as our witnesses, it would not seem as though we have been together this long - then there are other days, when it seems that there was no life before "us".

I count myself blessed to have someone in my life who is honest, faithful, and loving - a man of character (and he is a character!) and integrity - and a great dad to our three kids. The secret to making it this far? Taking it one day at a time, trusting that God put us together as a family for a purpose, and never forgetting that the recipe for longevity in marriage is a blend of communication, passion, love, forgiveness, understanding, sharing, good food, and Breathe Right Strips.

Learning from the Masters

2008-10-13T10:14:00.000-07:00

It has been my great privilege to cross off some big items off my "bucket list" this year. Many years ago, I listed the names of people who have created great success for themselves - that I want to meet and learn from. Included in that list are names like, Jack Canfield, Tony Robbins, Montel Williams, Oprah, and Mark Victor Hansen to name a few. This year, thanks to the generous giving of a dear friend, I have already had the privilege of meeting and talking with Jack Canfield and Lisa Nichols (made famous by the movie, The Secret).

Meeting Jack was an incredible experience. I have mentioned it before, he is incredibly humble, and down to earth, and very personable - loves to meet people and to connect with them in his own way. I have learned much from Jack over the years since I first came in contact with his work, "Self Esteem and Peak Performance", and of course through his Chicken Soup for the Soul books. Mark Victor Hansen and he also co-authored a great book, "The Aladdin Factor", which I have read and re-read, and have applied to my life as well.

My experience with meeting Lisa Nichols was quite different. I did not have her on my list, nor had I ever heard of her before watching The Secret, so I did not know what to expect. At the end of the session with Lisa, I felt somehow, I don't know... lighter. As though stuff I had been carrying around in the deep corners of my being had finally been released. It was an emotional day, full of laughter, tears, and everything in between. I have to say that from before she even stepped on the stage, I felt an intense anticipation that something BIG was going to happen for me that day. The breakthrough for me did not come all at once, but in small increments throughout the day, as we worked through a series of exercises.

At the end of the day, I made the decision to sign up for Lisa's Rise and Shine Coaching program. I have worked with coaches before - to help me develop a better sales and marketing system; for re-branding; to lose weight, and to get my Anger Solutions Book finished. This type of coaching is what I call "the new coaching" - it is the type of work that I offer to my clients (an actual system, broken down over a limited time, in which the coach acts as a guide and an accountability partner so the coachee can create positive, radical, lasting change over a short time frame). Lisa's program is 8 weeks long, and demands a high level of accountability from me as I do the "self-work" and go through the process of creating lasting change for myself and my business.

Part of our self-work for this week was to chronicle how we felt after the call was completed - I will do that piece here as part of my blog entries. The rest of the self-work will go in my Rise and Shine Coaching journal. I think one of the most intense emotions I felt as I listened to the first coaching session was a blend of excitement and fear. They are really just two sides of the same coin: the thrill and the trepidation all coming together. I was excited about the possibilities that I could create for my life and for the business as I go through this intensive coaching process, but I was also afraid - afraid of letting the real me show through, afraid of admitting my areas of weakness, afraid of letting go of some of my useless baggage. I don't know why it scares me so much - useless baggage is just that... useless! I don't need it anymore - perhaps the fear comes from not knowing how life is without it. I think too that part of my fear lies in how people around me will receive me if I become more confident, more successful, more true to myself.

Here is what I have noticed though. Since attending the conference with Lisa, and now being involved in the coaching program, I feel more confident that I can speak to audiences from my heart and go with the flow, rather than always sticking to the program. I don't hold on to thoughts of, "what I should have said", or "what I should have done" in my presentations - but I am more apt to believe that what was said, was what the audience really needed. I have also learned that if I feel that the audience needs to spend time on a subject, that I should stay right there, and not feel pressured by the program or the time slot... what is most important is that the audience gets what it needs.

In just a short time, I believe my presentations have become richer. I have done three major presentations since meeting Lisa and doing the self-work that she took us through. There has been a definite shift in how I interact with my audiences, and also a shift in their experience. For example, in my early years of public speaking, I used to get comments on my evaluations that said, "thank you for speaking to my situation" or "exactly what I needed at this time in my life". Then for years, my focus was on my technique, delivery of humour, sticking to the program, and TEACHING. It was less on interaction and engagement. I still got good evaluations, but something was missing and I knew it. I just couldn't put my finger on it.

In the last three sessions I have done, people have told me that what I said was exactly what they needed to hear - that the interactive portions of the sessions were perfect for the stage they are at in their lives, and that the timing of my presentation was exactly right. One woman I met at the NCIL annual general meeting where I did a keynote last week said that she had planned not to attend the meeting, then changed her mind at the last minute. She said she was so glad she had come, because what I said was exactly what she needed. What is interesting is that I went to that meeting without a prepared speech - no notes - no written outline; just a concept in my mind. I basically stood and spoke from my heart, and allowed my intuition, and the receptive energy from the crowd to lead me.

I find the preliminary outcomes very exciting... for years I was afraid that by showing too much of my real self - using my style of speaking (as opposed to obeying the rules of professional speaking that I learned many years ago), that I would somehow cheapen the audience's experience. It would appear that when we follow our hearts, trust our instincts, and combine what we know with what we know, it creates a more enriching experience for all. I can't wait to see what else I will learn!

Could it be so simple?

2008-10-01T11:21:00.001-07:00

My husband loves that song by Alicia Keys, "So Simple" - he loves the lyrics, loves the way the sampler messes with her voice and makes her sound like the sexiest chipmunk alive.

The song asks a valid question about love: "Could it be so simple?" I often ask my audiences if they have ever been in love - to please raise a hand. Of course everyone snickers and sheepishly raises a hand. We have all experienced the joy, the pain, the euphoria, and the unending cycle of emotions that come from being in love. I then ask if anyone has ever tried to "control" or "manage" that emotion - of course, we know it is impossible to control such an intense emotion. It follows then, that we should not even try - but place the focus of our energies on what to do about how we feel.

This is so true for the emotion of anger as well - but today's blog is actually about LOVE, not anger.
If you'd like to read more about anger, visit my other blog: http://angersolution.blogspot.com, or http://myemotionalbrassring.blogspot.com, written by my colleague, Tom Caswell.

I don't want to write anything sappy about love, but the truth is - it is just as impossible to control or manage as is anger. When you fall in love with someone - really fall in love with someone, it JUST IS what it is. You can't change it - you can't stop it. What you can do though, is decide what to do about it.

Perhaps in your own life, you have experienced loving someone who did not reciprocate those feelings. While the love in your heart did not go away simply according to your will, you had to make a choice about how you were going to proceed from the point of understanding that you would never be with that one you loved.

There are many cases in which people have fallen in love, and have never let their feelings be known - because of fear of rejection, insecurity, or poor self-esteem. There are others in which people have gone up in hot air balloons to propose, hired sky writer planes to broadcast their love for all to see. In either scenario, this expression (or lack thereof) of love is a CHOICE.

In previous posts, I have declared that love is a choice. I still believe this to be true. You see, love is more than just an intangible emotion; it is also tangible ACTION. While you cannot always CHOOSE how you feel, you can certainly choose HOW to express your feelings. There are times when expressing your love is entirely inappropriate, and deciding to do the right thing is - you got it... a choice. And then there are times when saying, "I love you," or demonstrating that love through words, or touch, or a kiss, or a compassionate deed is exactly the right thing to do.

Could it be that simple? The truth is - I don't know. What I do know for certain is that when I love, I love wholeheartedly. I do not love people for what they do, but for who they are. I seek to find the good in people, and I listen to my heart before allowing logic to overtake me and balance things out. Sometimes living and loving that way creates complex situations that require careful decision making on my part, but I do know that it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. That, my friends, is as simple as it gets.

When Life Changes In A Moment

2008-08-05T12:59:00.000-07:00

by Guest Columnist, Carolyn Hoxie

How many of you have had such an experience? It might have been a phone call, a chance meeting, someone dropping by, or a moment of awareness in which no one had to say anything - you just knew, life would never be the same.

Such a moment occurred in my life, when on July 18th my husband Brian was electrocuted and survived. Some call this luck; but he wasn’t lucky. He was brave. Alone in a bucket truck, sixty feet up in the air with his hands caught in a circuit; he saved himself. He is my hero.

When life changes in a moment it is almost always about the thing we fear the most. It is always unexpected. You have the feeling that somehow you should have seen it coming. But it never happens that way. It is always a normal day; so normal, it adds to the surrealism of the moment.

The change is always life altering. Somehow trivial things you thought were important disappear. Fully in the moment, you start to notice the little things that you forgot were important: the touch of skin, familiar smells, and the warm feeling of a smile breaking out on your face. Everything seems larger, more colourful, and intense.

The world is spinning around you, but your life has been suspended, time has become infinite, and you remember how absolutely amazing it is just to be alive.

That moment in which Brian faced his mortality changed us. Our lives have been forever altered. Brian made the decision to face his fear, deal with the unexpected, and save himself. He was alone with no one to help, but he doesn’t dwell on that. He let the moment change him for the better. He is more grateful now for everything.

What happens when your life changes in a moment is up to you. Whether you face your fears, and embrace the unexpected, life will never be the same. The way you let it alter your life is up to you. You can be the victim or you can choose the hero’s journey. It is up to you. The next time your life changes in a moment, how will you let it change you?

Carolyn Hoxie is an Executive Wellness Coach and speaker, specializing in helping people breakthrough their self-imposed barriers to create the live they truly desire. She is also a founding member of the Clear Vision Participation Group. To sign up for one of her professional development workshops or to learn more about Emotional Intelligence Coaching, contact Carolyn at choxie@cogeco.ca. 905-984-4136.

Press Release: Julie Christiansen (Anger Lady) Television Appearance

2008-07-08T08:44:00.001-07:00

Press Release
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Anger Lady to Share Anger Solutions™ Tips “On the Line”

July 8, 2008 – St. Catharines, Ontario

Watch CTS Television Monday, July 14, 2008 as Julie Christiansen (the Anger Lady) joins host Christine Williams to discuss dealing with anger. “On the Line” is classic talk TV, in which guest experts are interviewed live by the host. Viewers can also call in to the show, to talk with the guest in real time. Julie is pleased to be invited back to “On the Line” as a repeat guest. In previous appearances, the show topics were, “Dealing with Anger”, “Getting Past Your Past”, and “Coping with Anger and Rage”.

About Julie A. Christiansen:
International speaker and author of Anger Solutions, Julie Christiansen (the Anger Lady) brings over 15 years of counseling and training experience to your board room. Branded as “Oprah for the Office”, Julie’s personal mission is to leverage people and organizations into open communication so that they can live free of conflict, tension, anger, and fear.
About CTS Television:
Television viewers are faced with many choices when it comes to choosing programming they want to watch. CTS TV believes that television is a powerful medium that can educate, entertain and inspire through quality television programming. CTS can be viewed province wide on Bell Express Vue Channel 651, on Star Choice Channel 355, in Niagara on Cogeco Channel 18, and via various cable providers. To find the channel that carries CTS in your local community, visit http://www.ctstv.com/availability/index.asp#ontario.

Event: Television Interview
Date & Time: July 14, 2008 at 2 p.m.
Location: CTS Studios, Burlington, Ontario

Contact: Julie Christiansen
905-329-6169
info@angersolution.com
http://www.angersolution.com/

###

How to Handle Difficult Conversations

2008-07-02T12:46:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been in a position where you needed to say something to an employee or fellow co-worker, but the topic of conversation was very awkward? The old adage says that if you don’t have anything good to say, don’t say anything at all. However, in the world of business, sometimes you have to have those difficult conversations in order for your business to grow and succeed. The key to successfully handling awkward conversations is to treat your employees and colleagues with the respect you deserve.

Saying “No”:
When you have to say “no” to a request, decline respectfully by thanking the other party for thinking of you. Then, explain in only a few words why you must decline, then offer at least one alternative. You thereby release yourself from obligation while providing the other party with a possible solution to his/her problem.

Just the Facts:
Ensure that you stick to the facts in any conversation. Don’t make things personal, and try not to be sidetracked by other issues. People will appreciate that you only address the issue at hand, and by keeping it impersonal, you avoid the risk of others becoming resentful towards you.

State Your Motives:
Some tricky conversations are uncomfortable no matter how carefully you craft your words. In cases like these, it is best to soften your approach by explaining why you are broaching the difficult topic. For example, try saying, “I really care about your success in this company, and this is hard for me to talk about, but I would be doing you a disservice if we didn’t talk about this…” The other party now knows that you are just as uncomfortable with the issue as s/he is – it clears the air and makes it easier to discuss the topic. If you’re not sure of your motives, hold off on the conversation until you are.

Stay Open:
If you approach the conversation from a position of honesty, integrity, and caring, it will be hard for the other person to feel offended (at least for long). Be sure to give others the opportunity to state their piece, to refute the facts as you have them, or to share their perspective. By staying open, you demonstrate your leadership ability, and your willingness to resolve difficult situations.

Is Belief in God a Sign of Weakness?

2008-05-13T16:06:00.000-07:00

This just in: May 13, 2008

LONDON (AFP) - Albert Einstein described belief in God as "childish superstition" and said Jews were not the chosen people, in a letter to be sold in London this week, an auctioneer said Tuesday.

The father of relativity, whose previously known views on religion have been more ambivalent and fuelled much discussion, made the comments in response to a philosopher in 1954.

As a Jew himself, Einstein said he had a great affinity with Jewish people but said they "have no different quality for me than all other people".

"The word God is for me nothing more than the expression and product of human weaknesses, the Bible a collection of honourable, but still primitive legends which are nevertheless pretty childish.

"No interpretation no matter how subtle can (for me) change this," he wrote in the letter written on January 3, 1954 to the philosopher Eric Gutkind, cited by The Guardian newspaper.

The German-language letter is being sold Thursday by Bloomsbury Auctions in Mayfair after being in a private collection for more than 50 years, said the auction house's managing director Rupert Powell.

In it, the renowned scientist, who declined an invitation to become Israel's second president, rejected the idea that the Jews are God's chosen people.

"For me the Jewish religion like all others is an incarnation of the most childish superstitions," he said.

"And the Jewish people to whom I gladly belong and with whose mentality I have a deep affinity have no different quality for me than all other people."

And he added: "As far as my experience goes, they are no better than other human groups, although they are protected from the worst cancers by a lack of power. Otherwise I cannot see anything 'chosen' about them."

Previously the great scientist's comments on religion -- such as "Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind" -- have been the subject of much debate, used notably to back up arguments in favour of faith.

Powell said the letter being sold this week gave a clear reflection of Einstein's real thoughts on the subject. "He's fairly unequivocal as to what he's saying. There's no beating about the bush," he told AFP.

***********************************************************************

So, we'd like to take the comments of Albert Einstein that imply that faith in God is a sign of weakness and declare it to be so... If you ask me, faith in God is a sign of STRENGTH, not the other way around. If we negate faith in God - or a supreme being, or whatever you choose to call it - then you can toss everything you believe about the law of attraction out the window too. If BELIEVING is SEEING, as they say when they talk about the law of attraction, then how is that different from faith?

The Bible describes faith as "the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen." If this doesn't embody the philosophy that BELIEVING is SEEING, then nothing does. If you can believe that "the universe" will magically bring you the things that you desire and attract, then how is it so hard to believe that there is a sovereign God who is master of the universe, and it is He that shows an interest in what you desire and care about?

Give me a break people. Einstein was smart. I'll give him that. But even a broken clock is right twice a day. Just because he says religion is childish doesn't make it so. I'll take faith over hopelessness any day.

What do you think about this? Weigh in your thoughts...

Wild Wedding Celebration Winds Up Sending Couple to Jail

2008-04-29T12:14:00.000-07:00

Tue Apr 29, 8:36 AM

This Just In from the Associated Press:
PITTSBURGH - A couple of newlyweds spent the night in jail in separate cells - she in her wedding gown - after a brawl at a local hotel, police say.

Dentist David Wielechowski, 32, of Shaler, Pa., and Christa Vattimo, 25, actually got married a month earlier in the Bahamas. But they decided to repeat their vows last Saturday at a reception for 150 guests. Police said they were checking into their room when an argument began. Wielechowski reportedly knocked Vattimo to the floor with a karate kick. But when two guests from another wedding party came to her aid, Vattimo turned on them.

The melee moved from the seventh floor to an elevator and then to the lobby, where the couple threw metal planters at two guests from the other party, causing minor injuries, police alleged.
Police arrived to find the dentist lying on the lobby floor and his bride screaming, they said.

"It was pretty wild," police Sgt. Dave Syska said.

Authorities charged them both with simple assault, criminal mischief and disorderly conduct. The bride faces an additional count of public intoxication when they have their preliminary hearing May 7.

A district judge considered issuing a restraining order against Wielechowski, but Vattimo declined the measure.

The couple were let out of jail Sunday morning. Vattimo left with her father, still dressed in her white gown. Wielechowski left alone, sporting a swollen eye, tuxedo pants, a bloody T-shirt and one shoe. **************************************************************************

So is this how we roll in the 21st Century? With everything we know about spousal abuse and domestic violence, I am amazed that people continue to make the same age-old mistakes, and poor choices. There's a legacy you want to leave for your grandchildren: "At our wedding reception, your grand-daddy drop kicked me to the floor... it was good times..." Seriously, do you think this couple has a chance? It is interesting that when others came to the aid of the bride, she turned on them - in effect tossing away her opportunity to get out while the getting was good. I'm thinking that both of these individuals need some serious counselling, and some belief shifts about what makes a relationship healthy.

The last time I checked, karate kicks and black eyes were not the universal symbols of love.

Can Your Team Survive?

2008-03-24T13:04:00.000-07:00

The process of elimination is everywhere in our cultural psyche these days. With elimination game shows (under the guise of “reality television”) proliferating our prime time entertainment, it is not implausible to think that the tactics we see displayed on the small screen might spill over into our thinking about workplace interactions. But can workplace teams survive the new “top dog” mentality?

In almost every elimination game show, the players must face and overcome a challenge. Sometimes, they are given the opportunity to work in teams, or to team up against other players; however, the understanding that only one player can win is never far from each player’s mind. So, although the teams may work together to win a challenge, the motivation to win is never ultimately for the good of the team; the team only functions because to do so fits the individual motivations and machinations of each player.

Look at this now from a workplace perspective. An organization exists to fulfill its mission. It hires individual people to work in teams that can work together to carry out certain tasks that fit the mission and vision of the organization. What would happen if each member of the team approached their duties with the “top dog” mentality – working with others on the surface, while making subtle attempts to undermine the credibility and the effectiveness of the other team members? What if team players worked like the elimination game players, holding clandestine meetings, forming alliances, and plotting to remove other players from the field for their own gain? Would the team survive? The more pressing question is: would the company survive?

The sad truth is that although history proves that backstabbing, water cooler talk, and inside alliances for the purposes of bringing about the demise of someone else’s career are not tactics that promote a healthy, thriving workplace, our current cultural climate promotes doing exactly that. Nonetheless, it is not too late to bring back the time-honoured principles of loyalty, moral commitments, integrity, and honesty to the team environment.

Any team that produces and functions effectively has certain positive characteristics:
1) A strong leader who both directs and empowers the team. S/he identifies the strengths in each team player, and encourages each player to utilize his or her strengths to help accomplish the team’s common mission.
2) A willingness to work together for the common good of the team. Let’s face it, in the world of business; much more can be accomplished when people work together towards the same goal. What good is it if one player gets ahead while the whole company suffers? In the end, all the players may lose (financial rewards, promotions, recognition, and perhaps even their jobs), including the one who was “top dog” for a moment.
3) Everyone has his or her own opportunity to shine. A true team understands that each player brings a unique strength or group of qualities to the table. At difficult meetings, the diplomatic player goes to work. In tough negotiations, the sharp negotiator has the opportunity to do what s/he does best. When making presentations, the fearless orator should be the one to take the stage. For planning events or breaking down tasks for goal completion, the most organized player has the chance to utilize his or her skills.
4) Praise is a common occurrence. Real team players notice other team members doing things right, and encourage one another. Can you imagine the Leafs at the Stanley Cup playoffs, yelling at their own players, and encouraging them to fail? Never! Team players stick together, knowing that they are working together to achieve an outcome that will be beneficial for ALL.

The words of Commander Spock come to mind when I think of teams: “The needs of the many outweigh the needs of one.” Taking the “survival of the fittest” mentality to work only undermines productivity, breeds negativity, and depletes the morale of the team – ultimately resulting in financial losses for the company. Working together in strong, productive teams is the only way for businesses to survive in today’s dog-eat-dog climate. That’s why with teams, “Together Everyone Achieves More.”

To learn more about BRC's Extreme Team Building programs, contact Julie via this blog or visit http://www.angersolution.com/coaching.php.

The Last Lecture: Inspiring!

2008-02-15T12:24:00.000-08:00

I was just sent this by one of my colleagues on Facebook - I was riveted. Please watch it till the end - while some skeptics on YOUTUBE (http://youtube.com/user/angerlady) say he is just bragging about his own accomplishments - we in the speaker community know that the best examples for your presentations come from your own experience. And when you get to the end of the video, you'll know why he talks about his experience and the value this will have for years to come. Some great insights here on how to live your life. One final note: he is the first to admit that he lucked out with terrific parents, whose zest for life is evident in the photos he shares. Not all of us were so lucky - but we still have a choice to be great parents to our kids; great friends to our peers; and to live every moment to the fullest. Enjoy!

Teachable Moments: The Value of Sharing with Others

2008-02-05T16:14:00.000-08:00

Last week the focus of my life skills group was "New Beginnings". One of the things we talked about was the need to let go of the expectations of others. Now, those of you who know me well, know that I will NEVER ask a client to do something or try an exercise that I have not first done myself. If I haven't tried it before, I will do it right along with the client. I think this is not only fair, but it demonstrates to our clients that we are real people with life issues, and that we too need to apply these life skills to our personal and professional lives.

We watched about 20 minutes of the great video, "Self Esteem and Peak Performance" with Jack Canfield (author of The Success Principles, and Chicken Soup for the Soul), and I had a profound "aha" moment. A young man in the audience asked Jack what he could do to "teach" his parents to value him as he is, and how he could protect his self-esteem from the criticism of his parents. Jack gave him two pieces of advice, and I am paraphrasing: 1. Stop expecting your parents to be different - if they are critical now, and they have always been, they will continue to be. 2. Begin seeking other sources of support - but above all of that, place more stock in the value you place on yourself. When you achieve something, give yourself "props" - improve yourself because YOU want to - not so you can make your parents proud.

Now, for me, this was a great "aha" moment that applies to some specific issues I am facing in my own life. I sometimes have expectations of others that are unrealistic, and when those expectations are not met, I feel very hurt, and devalued. But Jack helped me put it in perspective. What I do - I must do for myself first. And I must revise my expectations of others - if I stop hoping they will change, and just accept them for who they are, I will no longer be hurt by their actions, and I will no longer feel judged by what they say or do (or don't do).

Think about what is going on in your life, and where you are experiencing a great deal of frustrations. Do you need to change your expectations, or do you need to take stock of your self-esteem? Think it over - and if you need help, go to your local library and take out a copy of Video One of Self Esteem and Peak Performance. Watch it through at least once and take notes. If you don't come away with at least one teachable moment, I'll be surprised.

The Blame Game

2008-01-02T06:47:00.000-08:00

Now I've been thinking about this a lot. Blame. I suppose it's because I've been hearing a lot of "blame-speak" in conversations lately, and to be honest, it has my ire up a bit. Blame is a very effective method for deflecting responsibility, for justifying one's own misguided actions, and for perpetuating a victim mentality. But it isn't that effective if you want to take ownership of your life and regain control of your decisions and your outcomes. As long as it is "someone else's fault", you remain at the mercy of that someone. The sad thing is that most times the other party has no idea that they are victimizing you.

The other night, I overheard a friend talking about a situation, which granted, is very uncomfortable for everyone involved. She mentioned an individual, whom she thinks has the power to prevent this situation from continuing, and asked, "Shouldn't he be sensitive to how we feel about this?" This is a question that implies blame. It is his fault that this is happening, and if he cared about us at all, he would put a stop to it.

But wait a second - what about the person who put this circumstance into play? What is his responsibility? What about our responsibility? I told her, "If it bugs you that much, why don't you talk to Mr. X about it? You can't expect that he can read your mind, especially if on the surface, you pretend like there's nothing wrong. How do you expect him to know how you feel, if you don't tell him?" Do you know what her reply was? "Well, I don't really talk to Mr. X about anything."

Well there you go. This is the essence of blame. What it comes down to is that we - and I include myself in this... we expect people to know how we feel without having to spell it out. We think that they should automatically put our needs first, except we don't tell them what we need. And we most certainly don't care about what they need or why they might have been motivated to do what they did in the first place. We abdicate the responsibility for our feelings to other people who are frankly, too tied up in worrying about their own stuff to consider the needs of everybody else in the world. And then, we blame them for the things that go wrong, stating that "they should have known".

Come on, folks! Is that any way to live? Think about the things you blame others for. How many of the people you hold grudges against actually know from your own lips what it was that they did to hurt you? How many times have you said, "they knew exactly what they were doing..." and so that has justified your actions in return? How many times have you inadvertently hurt someone - innocently - having no idea about the chain of events your one choice would ignite?

Think about the choices you make that are blame-based. Are you making them because it is truly what you WANT, or are you doing "the only thing you can do" because other people have left you no option? Time to re-think those choices. OR, time to face the truth, and take responsibility for your decisions, rather than blaming others.

It is so easy to lay blame elsewhere. It makes you look good (for a time anyway) in the eyes of your sympathizers - you are taking the "high road" - the only one you can; while the victimizer is out there pushing people around and hurting people with impunity. But how does it feel to come to the realization that other people hold that much power over you? How does it feel to know that all someone has to do is offend you or hurt your feelings, or worse yet - be unaware of how you feel, and you are once again victimized? Wouldn't it feel better if you could say, I'm going to let this individual in on the big secret... I'm going to say how I feel about what is happening, and I'm going to ask for what I want. Granted, you may not always get what you want, but at least you have said your piece. If the situation doesn't change, at least you know that you have done something - you took action to try to create a better outcome. This is so much more empowering than sitting back and blaming without seeking alternative answers.

For as long as you think like a victim, you cannot move forward. It's time to regain control of your life and the choices you make. Stand up for yourself! Use your voice for something other than complaining and blaming, and watch how the outcomes will begin to shift in your favour.

The Feelings Continuum

2007-12-07T12:12:00.000-08:00

This is the happiness continuum - as you can see there are a variety of words that can describe positive feelings. When we are feeling good, we are somewhere on the continuum between content and bliss... No one can be in a state of bliss everyday, and we are sometimes more than content... but you get the picture, we are always somewhere in the range of "happiness".

Now look at the anger continuum.

In the same way that we fall somewhere in the range of happiness on the happy feelings continuum, we can fall in the range of angry emotions. When something happens, it might frustrate you, or sadden you, or you may feel disappointed. These emotions are all very different from feeling furious or livid. It is so important to know exactly how you are feeling before you go telling other people. If you express yourself incorrectly, you may inadvertently be escalating a situation - e.g. by telling someone you feel furious, when in fact you're just a little frustrated. Conversely, if you really do feel furious, but you attempt to cover it up with a less intense word, that might not work too well either. People will either see through you, or you will reap the negative rewards of internalizing an intense emotion rather than being honest about it.

Just a little food for thought...

Learn and Network with My Millionaire Friends!

2007-11-01T06:25:00.001-07:00

Hi — I wanted to let you know about a new company called My Millionaire Friends that is launching on January 1, 2008. This monthly coaching and networking program offers a lot of tangibles on a monthly basis (CDs and printed books and newsletters to name a few). They are running a special prelaunch price. Check it out at http://www.my-millionaire-friends.com or click on the graphic below. And even if you can’t join right away–they have a great “How to Become a Millionaire Diagram and Checklist” you can download for free.

Child Abuse Linked to Schizophrenia

2007-10-17T06:47:00.000-07:00

This article was originally published last year in June; however, the implications are still quite staggering. Check this out:

Child Abuse Can Cause Schizophrenia, Conference Told

University of Manchester researcher Paul Hammersley is to tell two international conferences, in London and Madrid on 14 June 2006, that child abuse can cause schizophrenia.
The groundbreaking and highly contentious theory, co-presented by New Zealand clinical psychologist Dr John Read, has been described as "an earthquake" that will radically change the psychiatric profession.

Clinical psychologist and writer Dr Oliver James commented: "The psychiatric establishment is about to experience an earthquake that will shake its intellectual foundations [and] may trigger a landslide."

Mr Hammersley, Programme Director for the COPE (Collaboration of Psychosocial Education) Initiative at the School of Nursing Midwifery and Social Work, said: "We are not returning to the 1960s and making the mistake of blaming families, but professionals have to realize that child abuse was a reality for large numbers of adult sufferers of psychosis."

He added: "We work very closely in collaboration with the Hearing Voices Network, that is with the people who hear voices in their head. The experience of hearing voices is consistently associated with childhood trauma regardless of diagnosis or genetic pedigree."
Dr Read said: "I hope we soon see a more balanced and evidence-based approach to schizophrenia and people using mental health services being asked what has happened to them and being given help instead of stigmatizing labels and mood-altering drugs."

Hammersley and Read argue that two-thirds of people diagnosed as schizophrenic have suffered physical or sexual abuse and thus it is shown to be a major, if not the major, cause of the illness. With a proven connection between the symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder and schizophrenia, they say, many schizophrenic symptoms are actually caused by trauma.

Their evidence includes 40 studies, which revealed childhood or adulthood sexual or physical abuse in the history of the majority of psychiatric patients and a review of 13 studies of schizophrenics found abuse rates from a low of 51% to a high of 97%. Psychiatric patients who report abuse are much more likely to experience hallucinations – flashbacks which have become part of the schizophrenic experience and hallucinations or voices that bully them as their abuser did thus causing paranoia and a mistrust of people close to them.

They admit not all schizophrenics suffered trauma and not all abused people develop the illness, but believe less traumatic childhood maltreatment, rather than actual abuse, may be an important difference. In their review of the 33,648 studies conducted into the causes of schizophrenia between 1961 and 2000, they found that less than 1% was spent on examining the impact of parental care. Still, they say, there have been enough studies to suggest negative or confusing early care may be an important addition to abuse as a cause.

Genes may still have a role to play but other evidence Hammersley and Read cite shows that genes alone do not cause the illness. A recent study compared 56 adoptees born to schizophrenic mothers with 96 adoptees whose biological parents did not have the illness. The families were observed extensively when the children were small and all the adoptees were assessed for psychiatric illness in adulthood. It was found that if there was a high genetic risk and it was combined with mystifying care during upbringing, the likelihood of developing schizophrenia was greater - genes alone did not cause the illness.

In addition a recent review revealed that, apart from for Alzheimer's, not a single gene has been shown to play a critical role in any mental illness, while sociological studies show that with schizophrenia poor people are several times more likely than the rich to suffer schizophrenia and urban life increases the risk.

Finally, they argue, if patients believe their illness is an unchangeable genetic destiny and that it is a physical problem requiring a physical solution, they will readily accept a drug prescribed to them when in fact they require other therapy. Worse, those who buy the genetic fairytale are less likely to recover, and that parents who do so are less supportive of their offspring. They recommend that all patients be asked in detail about whether they have been abused, anti-psychotic drugs no longer be doled out automatically and psychological therapies offered more often.

Study Ties Heart Disease to Bad Relationships

2007-10-09T08:11:00.001-07:00

October 8, 2007 09:28:04 PM PST
A lousy marriage might literally make you sick. Marital strife and other bad personal relationships can raise your risk for heart disease, researchers reported Monday.
What it likely boils down to is stress: a well-known contributor to health problems, as well as a potential byproduct of troubled relationships, the scientists said.

In a study of 9,011 British civil servants, most of them married, those with the worst close relationships were 34 percent more likely to have heart attacks or other heart trouble during 12 years of follow-up than those with good relationships. That included partners, close relatives and friends.

The study, in Monday's Archives of Internal Medicine, follows previous research that has linked health problems with being single and having few close relationships. In the new study, researchers focused more on the quality of marriage and other important relationships.
"What we add here is that, 'OK, being married is in general good, but be careful about the kind of person you have married.' The quality of the relationship matters," said lead author Roberto De Vogli, a researcher with University College in London.

De Vogli said his research team is doing tests to see if study participants with bad relationships have any biological evidence of stress that could contribute to heart disease. That includes inflammation and elevated levels of stress hormones.

Another recent study also looked at quality of relationships but had different results. There was no association between marital woes in general and risks for heart disease or early death. But it did find, over a 10-year follow-up, that women who keep silent during marital arguments had an increased risk of dying compared with wives who expressed their feelings during fights. What appeared to matter more for men was just being married; married men were less likely to die during the follow-up than single men.

That study, of nearly 4,000 men and women, was published online in July in the journal Psychosomatic Medicine.
In De Vogli's study, men and women with bad relationships faced equal risks. Volunteers filled out questionnaires asking them to rate the person to whom they felt closest on several measures. These included questions about to what extent does that person "give you worries, problems and stress?"

They also were asked about whether they felt they could confide in that person, or whether talking with that person made them feel worse.

Over the following 12 years, 589 participants had heart attacks or other heart problems. Those with the highest negative scores on the questionnaire had the highest risks, even taking into account other factors related to heart disease such as obesity, high blood pressure and smoking.
James Coyne, a University of Pennsylvania psychology professor who also has examined the health impact of social relationships, said De Vogli's results "make intuitive sense." But he said the study found only a weak association that doesn't prove bad relationships can cause heart disease.

"It is still not clear what to recommend," Coyne said.
"Do we tell people who have negative relationships to get therapy? They may have other reasons to do so, but I see no basis for them doing so only to avoid a heart attack," Coyne said.
Ending a bad marriage is not necessarily the answer either, he said, given evidence that being unmarried also could be a risk.
___
On the Net:
Archives: http://www.archinternmed.com

Just Talk

2007-09-28T05:25:00.000-07:00

It's funny how the more important things are to us, the harder we find them to talk about. We don't like to give people bad news - we don't like to say NO - we don't like to bare our souls because it makes us vulnerable.

Truth is, baring your soul doesn't make you vulnerable. You make you vulnerable by thinking that transparency is weak. When you share your heart with someone you care about, you are actually creating intimacy, tightening the connection that you have with each other, and strengthening the bond you already share. Whether the news is good or bad, what is important is that the love and caring you have for each other supercedes the news. Even when we are saying NO, 99% of the time it is because that is the RIGHT thing to do. Sure, sometimes people say no because they want to hurt or deprive the other person or party - but that is not the norm.

If you love someone and you have something important to say, don't put it off. In the words of a song, "While it's still called today, you've gotta say the words that are longing to be heard - for tomorrow may be too late. So say what you need to say, while it's still called today." (Steven Curtis Chapman).

Something to think about - or should I say - Something to TALK about...

New Evidence that Alcohol and Cancer are Linked

2007-09-27T13:20:00.000-07:00

Alcohol and cancer: is drinking the new smoking? Cutting alcohol consumption linked to reduced cancer rates

TORONTO, Sept. 26 /CNW/ - Researchers at the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health (CAMH) have clarified the link between alcohol consumption and the risk of head and neck cancers, showing that people who stop drinking can significantly reduce their cancer risk. According to CAMH Principal Investigator Dr. Jurgen Rehm, existing research consistently shows a relationship between alcohol consumption and an increased risk for cancer of the esophagus, larynx and oral cavity.

Dr. Rehm and his team analyzed epidemiological literature from 1966 to 2006 to further investigate this association and their results, published in the September issue of the International Journal of Cancer, showed that:
- The risk of esophageal cancer nearly doubled in the first two years following alcohol cessation, a sharp increase that may be due to the fact that some people only stop drinking when they are already experiencing disease symptoms. However, risk then decreased rapidly and significantly after longer periods of abstention.
- Risk of head and neck cancer only reduced significantly after 10 years of cessation.
- After more than 20 years of alcohol cessation, the risks for both cancers were similar to those seen in people who never drank alcohol.

These results have important implications for tailoring alcohol policies and prevention strategies, especially for people with a family risk of cancer. Said Dr. Rehm, "Alcohol cessation has very similar effects on risk for head and neck cancers as smoking cessation has on lung cancer. It takes about two decades before the risk is back to the risk of those who were never drinkers or never smokers."

Alcohol is the 'drug of choice' for Canadians, with 60% of Ontario adults consuming alcohol on at least a monthly basis. The direct and indirect costs to society of alcohol abuse are substantial: $5.3 billion in Ontario alone, second only to the social burden of tobacco. This burden takes into effect the cardioprotective effects of alcohol, which, unlike its link to cancer, has received a great deal of public attention. ###

Guess what folks? No matter how you slice it, booze is still a DRUG - they said it, I didn't. Whether you use booze to enhance your experiences at a party or social event, or as an anaesthetic to dull your pain - it is still a bad choice. Sure, some of it tastes good, but so does Orange Juice and Grape Juice... we don't need booze to have a good time, and seeing as we're already speeding along towards our deaths with every day that passes, why would we want to accelerate the process by putting poisons, carcinogens, and toxins into our bodies?

Is Love Out of Your Control?

2007-09-17T08:46:00.000-07:00

I had an interesting conversation with some friends the other day about the universal topic of LOVE. We were talking about someone I know who is a chronic cheater. He used to tell me about his marriage problems and he would say, "the problem is, I don't love my wife." My response to him was, "Love is a choice. You just CHOOSE not to love her."

One of my friends disagreed with this statement. He believes that either you love someone or you don't - we don't really have any control over it. Of course, you can imagine that this led to a very interesting discussion about the nature of love and how we express it. Here's my take on it... I see love as not just an intangible thing. Yes, love is an emotion that is for the most part an intangible. However, love is also a verb. If I can rely on the Bible as my source for a minute, think about these words: "For God so LOVED the world, that He GAVE..." (John 3:16). This shows me both the intensity of the emotion (the intangible) as well as the way that this love was demonstrated (the tangible).

How about this one... "LOVE the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength... LOVE thy neighbour as thyself..." (paraphrased, Mark 12:30-31). This shows me a different kind of interpretation of the word LOVE. It implies more than just the emotion. To love someone with your heart, soul, mind, and strength, means to me that you are ACTING on your emotion in the way that you choose to connect with him/her (heart and soul), the way you choose to think about him/her (mind), and the way you choose to interact with him/her(strength/body).

Think about it - when you are feeling loving towards people, you touch them, you go out of your way to make them feel good, and you express your love towards them either in physical or verbal ways. When you are not feeling loving towards someone, you withdraw both emotionally and physically. Your thoughts towards that person are not of a loving nature, but you entertain them because it reinforces the negative feelings you are experiencing at that time. That - my friends, is a CHOICE.

One of the things I have always believed is that you can decide yes, or no, but in the end if you don't choose one way or the other, you have still made a choice. (That is why I VOTE - but that's another story for another day). That is why I cannot reconcile with this notion that LOVE just is or isn't - and that we have no control over it. I don't buy into the concept that people "fall out of love". It isn't that simple. You see, things happen. People make choices. Sometimes those choices cause people to feel certain emotions like hurt, pain, neglect, shame, anger, betrayal, etc. They respond to their feelings (choices again), and behave in a way that will help them to feel avenged, or protected, or sheltered - whatever.

When people fall out of love, in my mind it is because they have made a series of choices that lead to the ultimate breakdown of a relationship - not because it "just happened". Sadly, these choices are often made unconsciously, without any concept of the long-term consequences of each decision. It's like playing chess blind, or without any knowledge of the rules of the game. Both players walk away feeling unsatisfied, and without the knowledge that the game could have ended differently if only they had known the rules.

Anger Solutions(TM) helps people to understand the rules of the game, and shows them how to make concsious choices. That is only one of the many reasons that I am so passionate about this program - because I have seen it work time and time again for couples whose marriages had degraded into nothing but blaming and shaming. With an understanding of this simple concept: Love is a Choice - couples have learned to turn their relationships around. One last thought from the NKJV of the Bible..."Husbands, LOVE your wives..." (Ephesians 5:25 - you may want to read to vs. 28) - this is a command, which means that LOVING is something that you DO - not just something that you feel. Ladies, you're not off the hook either - Love goes both ways.

Just a little something to think about the next time you look at your spouse or significant other; your parents or your children; your in-laws or your siblings - and remember: LOVE is a CHOICE. What are you going to do about it?

Is There Such a Thing as Fighting Fair?

2007-08-22T11:40:00.000-07:00

I am currently working with a couple who fights all the time. It is almost as frustrating for me as it is for them - I hate to see them hurting, and they hate doing it to each other. He says they need to learn how to fight fair. I say they need to stop fighting. I don't know if fair fighting exists.

I do know that when couples "fight", it is usually over stupid stuff. The fight stems out of past hurts that are unresolved. When real issues present themselves like - how to discipline the kids or where to go on vacation - sometimes fights arise. The fight is never about what to do or how to do it; it is about power and control. If that is true, then the fights can never be fair.

Instead, I believe couples need to learn how to communicate. Learn how to ARGUE and DISCUSS situations. Talk about hurts in terms of how "I FEEL" rather than what "YOU DID". I told my couple last night - you both are grownups. Rather than try to exert power and control over your partner, exert power and control over yourself. Walk away before you say that thing that will hurt your spouse. Shut that mouth and choose your battles. Not every little thing is worth fighting over - especially if the fight lasts for hours or days. That is no way to live.

Dealing with those past hurts is a topic for another day - but I'll say this - there is no need to dredge up every little hurt from days gone by. It's done. You can't change it. You can't take it back. You can't fix it. BUT what you can do is try not to make the same mistakes again. Unresolved hurts are one of the biggest contributors to fights in relationships. The simple answer is find a way to resolve the hurt. That again... is another topic for another day.

What's your opinion on fighting fair? Please weigh in on this issue!